


Stardust in His Veins

by ScorpioDream



Series: A Touch of Angst [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Death from Old Age, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Out of Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-15 03:58:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14151432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScorpioDream/pseuds/ScorpioDream
Summary: Jim attempts to apologize one last time before moving on.





	Stardust in His Veins

**Author's Note:**

> This is a continuation of Part 1. This fic includes the death of two characters from old age, but it is not graphic or dwelled upon. It was originally published to Tumblr on 12 April 2015 and was originally titled "A Touch of Angst? Part Two". My Tumblr is http://dreamdreaded.tumblr.com/

 Jim became aware that Spock Prime had spoken to his Spock and Bones a week after they left New Vulcan. Jim hadn’t wanted to leave Spock Prime and McCoy Prime behind and had offered to take them out into the black with him. Leonard had smiled sadly at him and held Jim close. 

His lips pressed to Jim’s forehead and he whispered, “Oh, Jim. We don’t belong out on the final frontier anymore. Those days are long gone for us.”

Jim felt the tears build but he pushed them forcibly back down. His blue eyes looked up into Leonard’s hazel ones and saw the pain the older man was experiencing at letting him leave. Jim felt a touch of heartbreak.

“You will always have a home here with us, Jim.” Spock’s voice, gravelly with suppressed emotion, came from just behind Jim. “Never doubt that T’hy’la.”

*

Jim forced himself to remember the conversations with his Spock and Bones as he stared out the windows of the observation deck.

Spock had approached him one night in his ready room and Jim had foolishly allowed himself to hope. It was a hope that was shot down abruptly though and as soon as Spock began to speak Jim truly wanted to die.

“I received a correspondence just before we left New Vulcan from my counterpart.” Spock looked at his captain. 

“Oh?” Jim questioned. “What did he say?”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “He proceeded to inform me of my failing in relation to you.”

Jim felt his mouth drop open and his heart sink.

“My counterpart deigned to tell me that I am making a mistake in not forgiving you for the comments you slandered against my mother in the wake of Vulcan’s destruction. He informed me that by allowing those comments to occupy my regard for you that I am denying both of us a friendship that would define us.”

Jim stared at Spock. He had an idea what was coming next. “You disagree with him?”

“I do, Captain. While I will continue to serve aboard the Enterprise with you, I have no desire to allow a friendship, beyond what is required between a captain and first officer, to cultivate.” Spock stated firmly and without remorse. “The events of my counterpart’s universe are not the events of ours, and therefore we should not attempt to push the boundaries of our reality by trying to emulate it.”

Jim pushed down the emotions he felt violently build. “I see.”

“I am pleased you understand, Captain.”

“Mr. Spock, have you ever considered that a friendship between us might be a good thing? It doesn’t have to be much! We could just play a game of chess every now and then,” Jim knew he was grasping at straws.

“I have no desire to play games with you, Captain. It would be a waste of time,” Spock said. “I have work to complete in the science lab. I will see you on Alpha shift, Captain.”

“Yes, of course,” Jim nodded.

He waited until Spock left before he locked the doors to his ready room. At first, Jim just sat in silence but then the emotions that he had pushed back earlier reared an ugly head and exploded. Tears burnt as they forced their way out and down his face. Wretched sobs tore from his body and the feel of his heart breaking encompassed him.

Jim spent the night on his ready room floor, only leaving to freshen up just before the end of Gamma shift and the start of Alpha. 

The crew noticed the change in his attitude over the next few days but no one approached him. Most assumed that Starfleet had given him orders and he was contemplating them. Jim badly wanted to talk to Bones but he knew his best friend was still upset with him about the Khan incident. He wanted to call Spock and McCoy Prime up and talked but he was still unsure of how to bring up the fact that his Spock had still refused him even after Spock Prime had spoken with him.

It was another week later that found Jim in his quarters reading an old novel and trying to heal. When the door chimed, Jim called for whoever it was to enter and put his book down. Bones walked in with a strange look on his face.

“Bones! What’s wrong?” Jim stood up in a hurry.

“We need to talk, Jim.” Bones’ voice was tight.

Jim motioned for Bones to take the armchair in front of him. Jim always referred to it in his mind as Bones’ chair since that was where the man had used to sit all the time. 

“I got a call last week from the other Spock.” Bones looked directly at Jim.

Jim knew at that exact moment what the conversation was going to be. He tried to brace himself but he knew that it wouldn’t work.

“Oh? What did he have to say?”

Bones looked at Jim for a long moment, “Well, he started off talking to me about what a huge mistake I’ve made and then proceeded to tell me stories of his Kirk and McCoy. He talked about how in love they were and all of the shenanigans they would get up to.”

Jim felt a soft smile cross his face as he recalled a few of the stories he’d been told during his short vacation. Spock Prime had recounted many stories until Jim and even Leonard was laughing.

“Why are you telling me this now?” Jim asked after an awkward moment of silence.

Bones took a deep breath, “I spent the last week thinking about us and our friendship, Jim.”

Jim felt hope bubble up in his heart and he leaned forward.

“I’ve been trying to forget that you didn’t call for me when you were dying. I kept imagining the stories that the other Spock told me and picturing us in them. I wanted to be able to move past the pain.”

“But?” Jim stared hard at his best friend, and one of the men he loved more dearly than life.

“But I can’t.” Bones closed his eyes. “I can’t forget. The fact that you called Spock to your side and not me hurts worse than anything. You were my best friend and you called him to you! I only found out when they brought you to me in a body bag, Jim! It should have been me there. Not him.”

Jim didn’t bother hiding his pain and tears from Bones. 

“I have tried to forget it. Tired to move past the pain but I can’t. The stories the other Spock told me about our counterparts hurt, Jim. Not because it was something we haven’t done, but because it was something that could have happened. I was in love with you, Jim. I would have followed you blindly to any part of the galaxy you wanted.” Bones whispered through his own tears.

“Bones, please.” Jim reached out a hand. “We can still have that! I love you too.”

Bones shook his head. “No Jim. You broke my heart that day and I can’t move past that. I can’t love you anymore because I can’t forget.”

Jim’s world shattered. The pieces of his hope scattered and burned as he let those words sink in. His watery blue eyes met Bones’ hazel ones and found that the other man was doing his best to contain his own tears.

“I’m sorry, Jim.” Bones stood and wiped a hand across his face. 

“Me too, Bones. You’ll never know how much.” Jim watched as his former best friend walked to the door and paused. Bones took a shuddering breath and, without looking back, left. 

Jim cried out and allowed his sobs to take over. He didn’t care if his weeping could be heard out in the hall. His world had fallen apart and even the stars were no longer as bright. 

*

The observation deck was silent as Jim stood in his civvies watching as the stars streamed past. Space no longer held the same appeal as it had before. The stars were no longer as beautiful as they once were and the excitement of discovering new planets had dulled for him. The Enterprise was, once again, heading for a supply drop on New Vulcan and that is where Jim would be disembarking permanently.   

Jim had resigned his commission three months after Bones’ confession in Jim’s quarters. He had tried to move past his heartbreak and, on the outside, he succeeded. His work was better than ever and even Spock approved of some of his command decisions.  To the outside, Jim was a completely functioning Captain but, on the inside, he was barely alive. Bones had caught his eye once in the officer’s mess and stared with worry. Jim had turned around and left.  

When the ship arrived at New Vulcan, Jim left with a heavy heart. He still loved the ship but it wasn’t home for him anymore. Scotty had given him a bottle of heavy liquor that he had most certainly not stilled in Engineering. When Jim took the bottle Scotty whispered to him, “A broken heart can lead a man to a lot of things, Captain. Be careful which path you choose.” They were the wisest words Jim had ever heard Scotty speak.

Several of Jim’s crew came to see him off in the transporter room and he wished them all well in their mission. The desert heat of New Vulcan greeted him on the surface. He hadn’t told Leonard or Spock Prime that he was coming. He didn’t know how to explain himself. With his duffel bag containing his belongings, Jim set off for the house with his older lovers residing inside.

“Jim!” Leonard’s startled exclamation resounded. “Spock! Baby Jim is here!”

Jim raised an eyebrow at the nickname but allowed himself to be ushered into the home. Spock Prime entered the foyer and raises an eyebrow.

“T’hy’la! What are you doing here?” Spock Prime asked.

“You told me I would always have a home here,” Jim spoke. 

He told them what had transpired on the ship and allowed Leonard to smother him in a hug.

“We’re keeping him, Spock.” Leonard hissed, even though he knew his lover would not argue.

*

Jim lived in the Prime house with his much older lovers for twenty years before Leonard passed away quietly, followed by Spock within just a couple of days of each other. Jim mourned the loss of his two lovers but he knew they were with their true T’hy’la now. He was grateful for the time he had had with them. 

His universe’s Spock and Bones arrived for the funeral and stood quietly by Jim’s side.

 


End file.
